Tuesday, July 26, 2016

I still think of you at times...

Its been more than a year, exact timing is 13 months 6 days.
So much things have change, the people, the environment, myself, you. Yet... why is this feeling still lingering inside of me...
At times I will think of you, I miss calling you baby, I miss holding your hand, I miss hugging you, there so much things that I wish I could have done for you when we were still together. Yet those times will never come back again... nor there will be any miracle in the future...
I am not saying that I am unplease with the current life I am living now. I have people that I could depend on, chances to explore myself to the world, friends who will go crazy with me over some chit chat, and brothers who will selflessly help each other out no matter how busy they are...

I am truely happy about it... I find myself very lucky...

Yet..., there are times I think...I wish... you were still by my side...

I wanna share with you my joy, my excitement, my feelings...

Seeing how you are now... I am relieve...
At least you have step out of the darkness that has been swallowing you up. You have grown stronger.😊

Be strong, continue to strive, I am sure you will get there someday!

I will be watching over you like I always do...

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Don't cut yourself...

Why are you doing this to yourself?
I don't get it.
Why is the word love so important to you? Does it have to be so important?
Why can't you just listen to eugene,  distant yourself from Love and spent a few months or years living without it?
Is this really what you seek? This freedom of yours...
Think back. Years ago you were restricted by your parents, have you forgotten how it felt?
And now you have a choice unlike the past... Yet you chose to go back to it, whats the difference between you and then now? Just a change of person, Mother to Him now...
But this time is you trapping yourself...

Simply ridiculous, remember how you always say I am your nightmare? You know what, actually you are the nightmare of your own. You cause all this, you like to suffer in fact I realise.

Didn't you leave me so that your no longer trap by me? What happen to that power and will this time?Cause its True Love? Fuck that shit.

Your true love never ever existed, its just you live in your own fuck up silly world where you imagine every scenario, is a sickness! 你有病!

True Love only exist when 2 person making tough decisions for the sake of each other in a mature relationship. Like how we started that time... No matter how much your parents forbid us, even the time where we got caught and had so much to deal with, we didn't give up...

Oh wait. She didn't give up. Your no longer that her, she was much more brave and reasonable. You lost to yourself.

No one drown you with negativity, you set it upon yourself... Even now you are being played by someone hands. Remember my first few post about you and him? Mentioning that this kind of relationship is poisonous?

Btw your friends are very nice people. To nice to the point that they are harming you. No one scold you for what you have done wrong, no one dare to say it out and drag you out of it, and see how things is now. And the moment someone scold you you become overly defensive, wow! I realise you like sweet coated words alot, no wonder all your friends are people who won't scold you for anything, they will just give you more encouragement, you like it don't you, the attention I mean?

You would say its your life... And your cutting yourself. How responsible you are to your own body...

Wake up! Enough of your silly dreams! Your already 18! Dream about your future of becoming a veterinarian, going and doing adventurous stuff and not about being with a guy! How long are you gonna be dreaming?

Hate me for whatever reason you want. Blame for whatever faults you have.
But you can never deny the true that is happening, and that is YOU HAVE FUCK UP YOUR OWN LIFE!

GET THE FUCK UP WEAKLING!
I THOUGHT YOU WERE TOUGHER THAN THIS BUT I GUESS YOU WERE JUST WEAK IN THE END NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TRAIN FOR CHEERLEADING,MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST QUIT IT WHILE YOU STILL CAN AND NOT WASTE EVERYONES TIME!

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Fear

The fear to cling to someone.
Have you ever felt that your heart has always been empty all the time, no matter how much you try to fill in the gaps there is no end to it?
This is how it feels to me right now.
Probably you tend to feel this way once you lose something really important in life... And you would seek others to fill up that gap for you.
Whether is a friend, a soul mate, a best friend, sex friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, anything that could make you feel better and wanted.
This feeling kills you... Cause its something created out of negative thoughts that is illustrated by fear itself...
Once you got it, you want more of it, you desire that person presence, that existence, his/her love, everything, simply you just wanna make that person yours and only for you.
For months I been fighting with this..., this temptation, this hollowness.
Its getting better but, I feel like I am still missing something... something very basic and common.
The thing is... don't surrender yourself to it... It kills your whole life... I have a short taste before pulling myself out of it.

But yeah... Its hard to fight... Cause there is no gurantee that i will win this time...