Tuesday, July 26, 2016

I still think of you at times...

Its been more than a year, exact timing is 13 months 6 days.
So much things have change, the people, the environment, myself, you. Yet... why is this feeling still lingering inside of me...
At times I will think of you, I miss calling you baby, I miss holding your hand, I miss hugging you, there so much things that I wish I could have done for you when we were still together. Yet those times will never come back again... nor there will be any miracle in the future...
I am not saying that I am unplease with the current life I am living now. I have people that I could depend on, chances to explore myself to the world, friends who will go crazy with me over some chit chat, and brothers who will selflessly help each other out no matter how busy they are...

I am truely happy about it... I find myself very lucky...

Yet..., there are times I think...I wish... you were still by my side...

I wanna share with you my joy, my excitement, my feelings...

Seeing how you are now... I am relieve...
At least you have step out of the darkness that has been swallowing you up. You have grown stronger.😊

Be strong, continue to strive, I am sure you will get there someday!

I will be watching over you like I always do...

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Don't cut yourself...

Why are you doing this to yourself?
I don't get it.
Why is the word love so important to you? Does it have to be so important?
Why can't you just listen to eugene,  distant yourself from Love and spent a few months or years living without it?
Is this really what you seek? This freedom of yours...
Think back. Years ago you were restricted by your parents, have you forgotten how it felt?
And now you have a choice unlike the past... Yet you chose to go back to it, whats the difference between you and then now? Just a change of person, Mother to Him now...
But this time is you trapping yourself...

Simply ridiculous, remember how you always say I am your nightmare? You know what, actually you are the nightmare of your own. You cause all this, you like to suffer in fact I realise.

Didn't you leave me so that your no longer trap by me? What happen to that power and will this time?Cause its True Love? Fuck that shit.

Your true love never ever existed, its just you live in your own fuck up silly world where you imagine every scenario, is a sickness! 你有病!

True Love only exist when 2 person making tough decisions for the sake of each other in a mature relationship. Like how we started that time... No matter how much your parents forbid us, even the time where we got caught and had so much to deal with, we didn't give up...

Oh wait. She didn't give up. Your no longer that her, she was much more brave and reasonable. You lost to yourself.

No one drown you with negativity, you set it upon yourself... Even now you are being played by someone hands. Remember my first few post about you and him? Mentioning that this kind of relationship is poisonous?

Btw your friends are very nice people. To nice to the point that they are harming you. No one scold you for what you have done wrong, no one dare to say it out and drag you out of it, and see how things is now. And the moment someone scold you you become overly defensive, wow! I realise you like sweet coated words alot, no wonder all your friends are people who won't scold you for anything, they will just give you more encouragement, you like it don't you, the attention I mean?

You would say its your life... And your cutting yourself. How responsible you are to your own body...

Wake up! Enough of your silly dreams! Your already 18! Dream about your future of becoming a veterinarian, going and doing adventurous stuff and not about being with a guy! How long are you gonna be dreaming?

Hate me for whatever reason you want. Blame for whatever faults you have.
But you can never deny the true that is happening, and that is YOU HAVE FUCK UP YOUR OWN LIFE!

GET THE FUCK UP WEAKLING!
I THOUGHT YOU WERE TOUGHER THAN THIS BUT I GUESS YOU WERE JUST WEAK IN THE END NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TRAIN FOR CHEERLEADING,MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST QUIT IT WHILE YOU STILL CAN AND NOT WASTE EVERYONES TIME!

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Fear

The fear to cling to someone.
Have you ever felt that your heart has always been empty all the time, no matter how much you try to fill in the gaps there is no end to it?
This is how it feels to me right now.
Probably you tend to feel this way once you lose something really important in life... And you would seek others to fill up that gap for you.
Whether is a friend, a soul mate, a best friend, sex friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, anything that could make you feel better and wanted.
This feeling kills you... Cause its something created out of negative thoughts that is illustrated by fear itself...
Once you got it, you want more of it, you desire that person presence, that existence, his/her love, everything, simply you just wanna make that person yours and only for you.
For months I been fighting with this..., this temptation, this hollowness.
Its getting better but, I feel like I am still missing something... something very basic and common.
The thing is... don't surrender yourself to it... It kills your whole life... I have a short taste before pulling myself out of it.

But yeah... Its hard to fight... Cause there is no gurantee that i will win this time...

Friday, December 11, 2015

Judge

Finding hypocrite humans being very hilarious at some point of time...
Everyone judges people through their actions and words, has anyone thought of why is that so?
Actions displays 2 things, what you wanna show to other people or what kind of person you really are... People are free to judge and you definitely have no rights to complain about it...
Think about it, if you wanna be yourself than just fucking let people judge you, what are you afraid or being over concern of?
If the judging makes sense I suppose they just help you some way in life to find a better "you", else just listen and forget about it. Life will proof whether your in the right track, and complaining just shows how puny your "heart" is.
But trying to cut off all the judgements and only make yourself available to the sweet coated words... You are a damn fuck up person... Worst, fighting back without much thoughts into it...
I am sure 5 years ago everyone will thought "i found true love", in another 5 years they probably say "this time is true love for real" , and another 5 years your probably will hear "fuck, how did i end up falling in love with that 2 bloody assholes"😂
Humans change over the years... not everyone is the same in the next coming years... and also doesn't mean that as years goes your definitely a better person...
Judgements from other people are important, cause majority of the times your actions might display what you are truly lacking and the answer to your solutions.
Don't come up with some superstitions ideas like "god will help me" , "cause my horoscope is like that so i am like that" , "i am my own god". Yeah like hell they will come help you if all you didn't put effort to it, or being overly obsess with yourself... Ego problems.
If you reject every judgement, life in some way will reject you. The only people you can ever clique with is people who are exactly having the same pattern as you or is super mature to accept thats you, which they are the ones who usually succeed in life.
Have a big heart, reflect more, speak less, listen more. And really stand on the third point of view.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Are you the one...?

Its been awhile since I grow fond of someone...
Whenever I see pretty girls walking pass, all I ever concern was admiring that one moment of beauty that might never appear again. Nothing more nothing less. Well I am not sure how other guys might react in that situation but I might be a weird one!😂
But you were different... You were the kind I predicted that we won't have a long conversation to begin with, nor will be interested to start one whenever we put a pause to it. But I guess... You proof me wrong.
Somehow... I was attracted by your nature...
Let see... Stm , Silly girl , blur queen etc.
There are tons of flaws you have, which supposedly makes you less appealing to me... But somehow it didn't happen that way...
Maybe I am a weird one but... Does someone's flaws makes you happy?
Don't misunderstand. I am not a sadist. Not that kind of happiness through others suffering.
It somehow seems that I am appeal to you. Whether is your flaws , your nature , your character , or mindset.
"Thats you😊"
That is what always come up to my mind when you act as yourself...
You make me feel like I am a human again... I don't need to be a perfect being nor follow what the world needs me to be.
I am not sure whether this is a friendship or a new start... But what I know is that, I am grateful and appreciating your existence in my life... Thank you!😊
It is not the right time yet...

Monday, November 30, 2015

Non of my business

This is really non of my business but... I just find a need to speak my feelings out...
I been wondering... But... Aren't you making yourself a bit to...... cheap? Sorry but I can't think of a better word for it, its quite offensive Ik... Not intentionally...
I won't deny nor judge your feelings for him and I am absolutely not sure how he feels about you either. Your are more of the "friends for benefits" than the "test and run" statues now...
Are you really thinking its okay to keep this up?
If that first night was a mistake than let bygones be bygones, but if anymore... I find that you have not been seeing into the mirror for a very long time to see what you have become...
Yes... I have no rights to judge... But a person's characteristics and personality can be seen through their actions...
What your doing now... There is no other words to signify it... The most positive word I can think of now is "confusion"
Its becoming a toxic to you... You can't make up the decision to confess (ask him to be your boyfriend) or push him away... Now your really left hanging there and he is not making things clear to you...
Are you really okay with it being like this...
Yes... You can probably say that "its non of your business", but worrying for you as a accomplice...as a human...
First time to like someone so much for you I guess?:). To be willing to sacrifice so much for that person... But if your gonna lose yourself in the process than you need to wake up...
You are a brave girl, I always believe in that... In love... There is no waiting... Cause once the chance is gone... Its gone... Though 小幸运 is just a movie, but thats what it is trying to express out...
Confess or break the chain... Its up to you... If your gonna keep on with what your doing now... I guess you should avoid bringing emotions in... So that it will be less painful for you...

To love someone it takes courage to go for it... the courage to confess, if not... from the start both of your are still not ready yet...

Just saying out my thoughts here. Ik she doesn't read anymore so its okay.:)
But if you do read the blog... I meant no harm... Like I say I will watch over you...
Hoping that you will be couragous enough to grab hold of your happiness...

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

A sudden message from you...

My heart skipped a beat when seeing your message... This mix up feeling of happiness and sadness.
We had quite a talk today, I try not to make it awkward by starting a topic which you will be able to speak without conservations, which is your new love...
And in the end... I realise I still love you...
Still keeping all the memories we had, the photos, the chocolate you gave me for birthday present, the crayon shin chan lego, and the most importantly... The ring...
Its not that it doesn't tear me apart, but I am just holding in the pain... The pain that has been with me for this 5 months... To the point its become a natural feeling for me...
I really hope he will bring you happiness, maybe your previous ex was not the destined one... But I hope this time its him... I hate to see you being sad, frighten, and tearing... Cause ik I no longer have the rights nor ability to be your happiness... Its up to them...
No matter what just remember... I will always be you guardian angel... No matter what you did to hurt me, I will still love you... I am just that kind of silly guy...
You know where to find me if you need me... Don't hold back...:)